A bright light shines above me. Confused, I look around a little. I’m on the floor. It’s carpeted. That means I’m not at the school. That narrows things down a little bit. Suddenly there is a sense that I am supposed to be somewhere. Through the fog of confusion, the strangeness of not knowing where I am and not knowing what day it is feels familiar. Grasping at the feeling to try to work out what has happened is like trying to grab hold of jelly. Slowly, I feel the pain in my head. Noticing my computer, I pick myself up off the floor and immediately stumble into a wall. I’m in my study. Squinting through half open eyes, I read the date and time on my computer but it makes no sense to me. I press a few keys and move the mouse around, wondering if it will help correct the time and day. Nothing changes. The fog is still thick.
Luckily my apartment is small. Bouncing off the walls is a valid form of transport to get to my bedroom. About 2-3 hours later I wake up to the fog lifting and start to realise what that feeling was. It feels very close to a feeling I first felt exactly 4 years ago to the day. A feeling that landed me in hospital receiving the news I had a tumour. I didn’t need the reminder. I am acutely aware that it’s my 4 year cancerversary. It’s kind of like a seizlympiad. I smile at my own joke. Humour always helps.
I know a seizure is nothing to get too concerned about. I don’t think it was anywhere near big enough to be of concern. But there is still a level of worry and discomfort in it. It is not about the seizure, or about Timmy growing, but about the confusion that goes with it. Not knowing who I am, where I am, and what day it is is a scary event.
It is in this cavern of the unknown that fear resides, and losing awareness of where I am in space and time triggers that fear. The way I deal with it now is recognising the fear for what it is: lack of knowledge. Everything is temporary. Thankfully today that basic level of knowledge came back soon enough. I know where I am. I know who I am. I know what I am doing, grounded right now in this time and place.
As I sit here finishing this blog post, I am looking out the window at the sun setting and the amazing colours reflected in the sky and off the clouds. Slowly the lights of the city start to turn on and highlight the city scape against the dusky orange backdrop of the sky. It is such a great reminder of how lucky I am to be here to enjoy it. How lucky we all are to be here to enjoy these seconds.
Having a seizure was not how I had planned to celebrate living 4 years with cancer and this blog post is not the post I thought I would be writing today. The seizure was just the circumstance though, not the experience. The circumstance I cannot control, but how I experience that circumstance is in my control. It can be scary, but it can also remind us of just how special each of these seconds we have are. So take a moment to ground yourself and enjoy this moment you have right now. And hopefully, when it counts you’ll remember that how you experience your moments are entirely within your control, even when the circumstances are not.
Thanks for reading! Make sure you live your life!
Yes, I have cancer!
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